Recently, I was talking to one of my writer friends who had just published her first book. I am so proud of her and excited for her, and so I contacted her to tell her as such. I had not yet finished reading her book though, and I felt ashamed to tell her.
During the course of our conversation, we started discussing the reasons we don’t do the things we really need or want to do—like reading the book your friend just published. We talked about what gets in the way of accomplishing our goals or even doing the things that we know would be more fulfilling in the long-run. I realized in the conversation that I tend to choose the easiest activity especially when I’m tired.
Side note: My friend suggested calling it the “more accessible” option instead of “easier” because “more accessible” sounds less critical and judgmental. Since the language we use when we’re talking to and about ourselves matters, I’ll use that phrasing henceforth.
As much as I love to read books, I’ll choose to sit in front of the TV instead and doom scroll on my phone as I re-watch episodes of shows I have seen a million times. This choice isn’t because I like watching TV more. In fact, I feel much more fulfilled and rested after reading a book. However, TV and phone scrolling seem much more accessible. They allow me to turn off my brain, and they rarely require “just-right” conditions.
Enter The Goldilocks Effect. Named after the traditional children’s tale where the bear’s porridge was “too hot,” “too cold,” and “just right,” the Goldilocks Effect is used in many fields of study to describe optimal levels or conditions. Anything outside of an optimal level produces less-than-ideal and sometimes disastrous results. For example, the Goldilocks Effect is used to describe the need for “just-right” conditions for life to be able to exist on a planet—i.e. the perfect temperature for water to be present.
Reading when the conditions are less than ideal is not disastrous by any means, but it is more difficult. Therefore, I am always putting it off, hoping “Just-right” conditions will some day appear. I wait until:
I am in a quiet place.
I have enough time to make it worth it
I have a book that keeps my attention.
There is little to no chance of being interrupted.
I am comfortable—not too cold, not too hot.
I am well-fed.
The list goes on. And so, I rarely take any chance to read as the conditions are almost always less than ideal.
And it doesn’t stop with reading. I realized after that conversation with my friend that I treat myself in much the same way. I Goldilocks-Effect myself, if you will. I think that I can’t do the things that I want to do until I, myself, am “just-right.” I end up stalled out and stuck because, according to my outdated standard of measurement, I am never quite right:
I’d love to get some new clothes that make me feel more confident, but I need to lose weight first.
I wish I could paint just for fun, but I am not talented enough.
I’d love to start a business, but I’m not educated or experienced enough.
My guess is that, as a recovering rule-follower, you probably have limiting beliefs that follow a similar pattern. I would __________ if I were more (or less) ___________. Meanwhile, our life passes us by. We miss chance after chance waiting until the conditions are “just right” or until we are “just right.”
We’re always trying to create these perfect conditions, or worse, just waiting for them to happen which they never do. It’s a way for us to sneakily procrastinate our own joy and fulfillment by making excuses like, “We have to ___________ first. We have to be __________ first. We’re not ready yet.”
What we’re really saying is, “We’re not perfect yet,” and so we’re left waiting around forever for those “just-right” conditions.
I want to invite you, once again, to examine your standard of measurement. The standard we have been using will always tell us we are “too much” or “not enough” no matter what. It wins by constantly reminding you that you are not yet perfect, that you are not yet “just-right,” that you are still “too much,” or that you are still “not enough.”
But you are human; you are not porridge. There is no “just-right” when it comes to being human.
One thing that has helped me practice more self-compassion is the realization that no one has it all figured out. No one is “just-right.” They’re just doing the things anyway.
We do not have to wait until we’re “just right.” We can do the things anyway.
Perhaps there are times for waiting. There are times to stop and rest. There are times to retreat and heal and learn and grow.
But there are also times for taking a risk even when we don’t feel ready. There comes a time to bet on ourselves even before we’re “just right.” If we wait until then, we will never jump.
I invite you to ask yourself this question: Am I waiting to do something that it is time for me to do because I am waiting on “just-right” conditions?
Maybe it is time to take the chance. Stop waiting for ‘just-right’ conditions, and bet on yourself, rule-breaker. You are already just right.