The Inner Saboteur
How People-Pleasing is Actually Self-Sabotage
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.”
—Marianne Williamson
The opportunity was there. They asked me to play a song on my guitar for them, a song I had written. My friend was there with me, a singer as well, but they hadn’t asked her. They’d asked me. I didn’t want to make her feel jealous and cause a problem between the two of us. Feigning shyness, I bowed my head in “humility.” Blushing, hiding, choosing the safer route. I didn’t even say no, that would be too bold. I simply shrugged off their request.
We’d just met—the bright green bud of a possible new friendship. After the traditional exchanging of names and pleasantries, they asked the question I most dreaded, “What do you do?” I responded with a somewhat-rehearsed, “I am a writer.” When the follow-up questions ensued, I froze. Their interest in me and my art shocking my nervous system. I heard a cacophony of voices inside my head:
“She doesn’t really care; she’s just being polite.”
“You shouldn’t talk so much about yourself.”
“What if she actually goes and reads your words? She’s going to find out you’re a total fraud.”
Instead of satisfying her honest curiosity, I mumbled something about it not making me any money yet so I was looking for a “real job.”
I sat seething with anger and frustration that we were here in the first place. Things had gone horribly wrong, and I hadn’t spoken my mind. Again. I knew if we followed this path we would get lost. I knew it wasn’t the right way, but I chose to back down when it seemed everyone else wanted to go a different way. As always, I trusted others to know better, my silent choice sabotaging all of us including myself.
Because it’s been the topic of my writing over the last few weeks, I’ve been doing a deep-dive into all the different ways that people-pleasing affects the lives of recovering approval addicts. It’s not simply the inability to say no that gets us; it’s a million tiny decisions. These millions of tiny decisions fuel a monster with one goal—self-sabotage.
While on a recent writing retreat, I spent a fair bit of time digging through my old journals looking for examples of times that I, myself, had fallen into the people-pleasing trap. In addition to the scenarios I outlined at the start of this newsletter, I found a startling revelation. While scanning the pages of one of my journals, my eyes landed on a little snippet that I had written a couple of years ago when I worked my way through The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron.
In the book, she talks about how self-sabotage works in our lives. While reading Julia’s words for the first time, I remember being struck by this poignant question, “Why do you self-sabotage?” Not, “Do you self-sabotage? Or how do you self-sabotage?” Just, “Why?” Like there was no question whether or not I was guilty of it. My heart pounded in my chest as I became immediately defensive, “Me? I don’t self-sabotage…It’s others who sabotage me. It’s my circumstances. It’s (insert favorite scapegoat here).”
How dare she ask that question! I was offended. I felt angry. I felt exposed.
I felt…seen.
And this is what I wrote in my journal in response: “I sabotage myself so people will be happy with me, not feel threatened by me, not expect too much from me, and so they won’t be disappointed in me.”
As I read further in my journal, I began to connect some dots. I realized that the pressing need to please others above myself at all costs to me had caused me to sabotage myself over and over again throughout my life in a million tiny ways.
Because I’m a teacher at heart and can’t help myself, let’s break down the meaning of the word self-sabotage. The word sabotage means “to intentionally do something that stops someone from achieving what they want or stops something from developing as it should."* When we self-sabotage, we are doing this to ourselves, our own wants and our own development. Too many times, we don’t even realize we are doing this.
Let’s talk about some of those “million tiny ways” that self-sabotage shows up in our lives. Here is a list of a few ways that I have sabotaged myself in the past. Perhaps you’ll see yourself in it:
Little Ways I Sabotage Myself:
Pretending to “not care” when it comes to group decisions when I actually have a fairly strong and informed opinion on the subject
Saying yes when I really mean no
Saying no when I really mean yes a.k.a. not allowing my desires to be heard
Silencing or censoring myself in other ways
Procrastinating on things that are important to me
Merging with others by talking or behaving less like myself and more like them while in their presence
Downplaying the importance of my art, creativity, business, etc.—not talking about it with confidence—shrugging off the questions from truly interested parties for fear of judgment
Setting unattainable goals for myself
Not setting boundaries or not sticking to them
Downplaying talents and abilities or hiding them altogether
Brushing off compliments
Putting myself down—devaluing myself with negative self-talk
Not being honest with myself
I’m sure you and I both could add quite a few more to this list, but before we do that, let’s talk about the inner critic and its role in all of this. The inner critic is that voice that most people-pleasing, rule-followers have that reminds them all the ways they don’t measure up. It quotes The Rulebook to us whenever it feels we need the reminder. The inner critic is a constant, chattering voice saying things like, “Be careful. Don’t speak too loudly. Don’t shine too brightly. You are too much. You are not enough. No one cares what you have to say. DO BETTER. DO MORE. ”
The inner critic is the true saboteur.
It advises us to make those tiny decisions over time that keep us stuck in the people-pleasing spirals. The inner critic convinces us that we should take up less space in order to keep others more comfortable and happy with us. In this, it promises more peace, more approval, and more connection and friendship. It tells us the worst kinds of lies about ourselves, and one of the worst lies it convinces us to believe is that shrinking ourselves is the way to serve others.
“Being yourself is selfish.” That’s the message the inner critic wants us to believe.
Now, I invite you to read that list again of the little tiny ways we self-sabotage. Can you hear the inner critic talking in it? Can you see how easily our inner critic can manipulate us to shrink ourselves and play small? How have you sabotaged yourself in this way?
The rest of the quote by Marianne Williamson I mentioned at the beginning goes, “Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you…as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, Our presence automatically liberates others.”
If our desire is to truly help and support others, we don’t help them by sabotaging ourselves. We help them most by being ourselves, by knowing who that is and doing it on purpose.
Breaking the habit of people-pleasing is not just about learning to say no; it’s about so much more. It’s about finding your yes. It’s about allowing yourself to take up space and shine brightly, not to out-shine anyone, but to give them permission to shine, too.
In case you need more encouragement to shine your brightest, here’s a reminder from Sarah Jane Case, “I ask you to remember the last time you felt the healing fires of someone’s warmth. How invigorating it is to see someone stand in their truth and own their space.”
With that, I echo the same invitation to stand in your truth and own your space. In this way, we liberate and heal not only ourselves but others as well.
If you’re not sure where to start with all of this, I invite you to do one more thing. Spend some time today or this week with yourself and ask yourself these questions:
1. Why do you self-sabotage yourself?
2. How do you self-sabotage yourself?
3. What will be your next steps in putting the inner critic a.k.a. the inner saboteur in its place?
Thanks for being here, rule-breakers. Until next time, here’s a reminder to shine bright, own your space, and do all things FROM love not FOR love.
*https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/sabotage