10 Things I Know (Or I'm Learning): Turning Traits Into Tools
Some thoughts on empathy and compassion fatigue
Hey Rule-Breaker,
First of all, as always, welcome and I am so happy you are here! Writing can be a lonely venture, and it helps to know that someone out there is resonating with my writing. Thanks for all your comments and beautiful messages, too. They mean so much to me.
Second, and just so you know what to expect, I am reminding myself once again that this is a new season. I’m still working on finding a realistic rhythm for this newsletter in said new season. For now, it seems every couple of weeks is what I can manage. And I’m learning to be okay with that. Thanks for staying with me through the changes.
Third, this “10 Things” is for those of us who have been gifted with a heavy dose of empathy and compassion for others. We tend to take on the stress of others and take responsibility for things that are not actually our responsibility to our detriment. What if we could learn to use them as tools instead of letting them overwhelm us? That’s what I am exploring in this post. And with that, here are 10 things that I know (or that I’m learning):
I know my tummy hurts.
I know (now) that this is most likely due to anxiety and stress.
I (did not) know that I was feeling stressed, and yet, here I am with a tummy ache and some other physical symptoms pointing to just that.
I know that my job isn’t directly stressful, but the work we do as an organization can be very stressful—not to mention all of the other heavy things going on in my own life and in the world that we read or hear about on a daily basis. Sometimes, it just all feels a bit too much, and as Rachel Naomi Remen once said, "The expectation that we can be immersed in suffering and loss daily and not be touched by it is as unrealistic as expecting to be able to walk through water without getting wet.”
Maybe we can just let that sink in a second. No pun intended. Feel it and take a deep breath or two.I know that, for me, this can lead to absorption of the stress of others around me—meaning I get stressed and anxious because THEY are stressed and anxious. Thanks, empathy.
I know that sounded sarcastic, but I do not begrudge being an empathetic person. In fact, I believe empathy and compassion are two of the most valuable and powerful traits a human can possess.
However, I am learning that, much like over-thinking can be a useful tool in some situations (see this post), empathy and compassion are also useful tools. They help us relate to others and drive us to take action to help. But when they are left unchecked, they lead to burnout and compassion fatigue. Imagine leaving your vacuum running all the time. That’s what we tend to do—those of us with a heavy dose of natural empathy—we tend to leave it running all the time.
I know that we’re not meant to feel our own feelings in addition to every other feeling of every other person on the planet. No one has capacity for that. We have to manage our tools better.
In all of this, I am learning that some battles are not mine to fight. Some stress is not mine to take on. Some causes are not mine to take up. Some things are quite simply not my responsibility, and I have to be okay with not making them so.
I am learning to manage my tools better and to utilize them with intention. I am still learning.
With that, I want to say how beautiful it is that there are people in this world like you that so naturally possess these powerful traits. I hope you never find yourself feeling ashamed of your empathy or compassion. Instead, may you find just the right balance and just the right usages for those beautiful tools. While we may not be equipped to feel every feeling or take responsibility for every problem, the world still needs your empathy and compassion—perhaps even more so when it is applied intentionally.
And maybe, just maybe, allow yourself to turn some of that empathy and compassion towards yourself, and allow others to show you empathy and compassion in return.
You are amazing, rule-breaker. You are breaking cycles. You are learning to care for yourself while still caring fiercely for others. This is good, beautiful, and hard work, but here’s one more thing I know: You’ve got this. Until next time…
Rest Easy,
Lauren Lanoue